He had two girl best friends. She and I. We were equal. She became more. She became a girlfriend on top of being a best friend. To him, it probably feels like he didn’t lose anything. He got what he always wanted. He is in love. I can’t ruin that because I’m jealous. I can’t ruin that because he doesn’t wake-up to make me happy anymore. He is feeling something he has always wanted to feel–true love.
I know he is suppose to be with her because that’s his girl, his love, and his everything. He’s suppose to hang out with her, think about her and love her more.
But we were friends too. We weren’t just friends. We were best friends. We were close. I talked to him about literally everything. Then he got annoyed with me.
He started directing all of his attention to his girlfriend. I’m history; there is no room for me anymore. He didn’t want to talk to me, see me, nor hang out with me. He wanted to be with her.
Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I hadn’t been so needy, so annoying. If my immature attitude hadn’t pushed him away. What would it be like today if I was a little more independent in the past? What would it be like if I didn’t depend on him so much? Would we still be close? Or would nature have split us apart anyway?
All of the neglect led us to not talk at all. It felt like he broke up with me. The best friend bond was broken. I don’t think it’ll ever be the same.
He says we can be friends but what the hell is friends compared to what we used to be.
He says he’s there if I need him; I guess I’m just too needy. I guess I’m expecting too much from someone who has something important in their life–someone to love unconditionally.
I know I need to be happy for him, be a friend to him, but I need to be happy too. What would lead me there? Letting go of what I can’t have. Letting go of past relationships that have ran its course.
I’m not saying I don’t want to be friends, I’d love to. I’m saying I have to let go that we are not and accept what we are.
That’s my goal, it’s my route to happiness.
I didn’t write this for sympathy. I don’t want it. I wrote this to heal my pain. I’ve kept these feelings inside for way too long. I’m ready to move on. It all starts with letting go.