I can’t take it anymore
It’s gone. All gone. The life I used to have. It left the minute dad died. For years, we survived holding on to one another. Then you all left. My family. left. I’m on medications again, mother, like you want me to be. I try so hard to please you, but I always end up the opposite of what you wanted. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I miss you mother. You’re five feet away and I miss you because you aren’t you. This man you married… he’s making you into something else. He’s a monster. Or I am. I can’t tell. You yell at us the same but he doesn’t seem as effected as I am. Maybe it’s because I believe it. He controls us when you’re gone. Like some dictator. He plays like he’s our father. I told him he’s not. I tried mother. I told you I’d never leave because it would hurt you. But you’re gone now, the person I loved swallowed by a giant whale that’s trying to eat me too. I’m finding it harder not to kill myself, you’re finding it easy to ignore. These pills make me scared, just like they did when I was little.
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this post is rather heartbreaking. please keep your head up… i lost both of my parents when i was really young in a really horrible way. i know that doesn’t mean i know exactly what you are going through but i just want you to know that things do get better. things never stop changing; it’s the only constant that remains true every single day. there will always be rough patches, ditches, black holes… especially after losing a family member – anyone close to you at all. but you will always be able to find good things at some point; things that make you smile just enough to give you a little more strength each day. whatever makes you happy, people who make you happy, etc. just don’t give up on your mother no matter how far gone she seems to be. even if you have you leave and be on your own or with friends and just not live with her – don’t ever give up on her and definitely do NOT give up on yourself.
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