forever fucked up
35 years old- 300 lbs , 60lbs HEAVIER than when i had weight loss surgery… Mother, Wife, schizoaffective (similar to bi-polar but with delusions) disorder, morbidly obese, physically disabled due to a genetic disorder since i was a child, kicked out of college forever ago after 1 semester because of my mental state and a suicide attempt, and have NEVER been able to hold a job between my mental state and my physical disabilities- i’ve had 5 my whole life- each less than a month. A self cutter/burner since i was 10… I love my child, love my husband… who is on disability payments now- i lost all my state medical when he got his disability since now i don’t qualify- so no psych meds, no pain meds, no counseling… i go weeks without stepping out my front door… i break down and cry and feel like I’m having a heart attack when I’m in a car… I can’t drive because of my physical disabilities, I barely eat and what I do I throw up yet i still keep gaining weight… I had surgery- and I still just keep gaining, since loosing my medical coverage I can’t go back to the doctor to have it checked… I’m worried every day it’s eating through my stomach and is going to kill me… my child is gifted, extremely smart… and as much love as i have I’m always worried they would be better off without me, without my crazy, without my paranoia without my failures… i can barely walk, use a wheelchair most of the time (it was like this BEFORE i was obese) always sad, always hate myself… first time i tried to kill myself i was 10—> i am forever fucked up, forever a loser, forever a failure, I have no friends but my husband and daughter… without them i would be nothing, with them i am nothing… this life is too short to be a loser… i won’t be remembered, won’t be celebrated, i’ll probably die alone at some point in the years to come, still sad, no one around but cats… they will laugh as they take my old, fat body out of the house, whisper that no one cared enough to check for weeks … i hate life, the only thing that keeps me here is my small family.
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