You Were A Waste Of A Year Of My Life
Dear Ex Boyfriend,
Here’s how I view how things went between us, and why I feel my anger with you is justified. I’m not just “being a bitch”.
You were on vacation with a bunch of people who come to the bar I work at every year. I didn’t necessarily find you to be the most attractive man in the bar, but you sure had a way about you. You were polite, you were manly, and eventually you conned me into speaking to you and separated me from everyone else I knew.
Things happened that night that shouldn’t have. I’m not that type of woman but somehow you swept me off my feet. I was horrified when I woke up the next morning and realized what had gone on and had no idea how I was going to explain that one. Everyone saw me leave with you. It’s not like I could have offered up an innocent, “Oh, he just drove me home because I was a little tipsy,” because it was so obvious.
You went home, and I tried to chalk it up to being one drunken mistake, but you started calling, texting and IMing me at every available moment you had. Somehow you managed to make me believe that you cared. That you were something I should put some serious thought into despite my distaste for long distance relationship. That possibly, possibly… you were the one I had been looking for this whole time.
I caved after you told me how in love with me you were when you called on my birthday. I fought with that internally and kept telling myself that it wasn’t a good idea, but somehow in a matter of two or three weeks you had me beaten down and I told you I loved you too. It’s hard not to fall head over heels when someone tells you that they’re in love with every inch of your being, down to every flaw that he considers to be a cute quirk.
We started planning a future together. Discussed how things were going to be once we were married. Named our future children. Nailed down a date for my move to be with you and decided that we would have my dream wedding one year to the date later. I spent ridiculous amounts of money on coming to see you when I could. I made nice with your family though I could tell something was completely off with how you dealt with them.
We broke up when my grandmother, my role model and the one person above everyone else in my life, was dying. You had the balls to call me the last time I saw her alive to try to discuss what had happened and couldn’t accept the fact that I needed to be with her instead of speaking to you. You got mad when I told you I would have to call you back because I didn’t want to upset her or show negative emotion or fear in my face while I was feeding her ice chips on her death bed. And then you went and got yourself arrested the day of her funeral because you got piss hammered and fought with a cop because you couldn’t deal with my attitude against you? WHAT?!
I should have known then what an absolute narcissist you were then, but somehow a few months later you actually fooled me into thinking not only that you had changed your life but that I had based my feelings on grief. I bought into it again. We started planning our future again.
And when you knew your friends were coming up this past October and you couldn’t afford to come with them because you had been laid off due to what I still assume are the legal troubles you keep finding yourself in, you started getting defensive with me and accusing me of having yet another long distance relationship going on with one of those guys who you are somewhat friends with. You made me cry almost every day for the entire three weeks before they got here because I was so frustrated with defending myself against your accusations. You broke up with me the day they got here after picking a 16 hour fight with me, changed your story to tell me that I was delusional and we were never actually back together and I had forced you into agreeing to my moving down to be with you.
Ex boyfriend, I have been a lot of things in my 30 year lifespan. Delusional has never been one of them. Not even through the most imbalanced years of my youth could I have dreamed up something this grandiose and actually believed it. You were so angry when I insinuated that you were only throwing these accusations out at me because you were guilty of cheating yourself.
You tried to hard to act like nothing happened after that and that we broke up again over a minor disagreement. You even called me on my thirtieth birthday to tell me that you were still in love with me and asked me what I thought the chances were that someday in the future we might get back together.
My, how a little time, some proof and you not changing your password for a social networking site have all put so much into perspective.
Not only did I confirm that my suspicions about the initial cheating were right, but I came to find out that you are currently in a relationship. I find it very hard to believe you did that in the approximate month you had between our breakup and your being on the road for work. I do have to say, though, that seeing the message that the girl who looks exactly like me with shorter hair and 40 additional pounds speaking of how good your reproductive fluids taste was probably the straw that broke my calm demeanor. It showed me not only that you have no interest in any women who possess any sort of class, but also that she is a bold-faced liar. It always tasted like battery acid. Not only do I now know that you played me through the second part of our relationship, I now know why your friends called you a pathological liar.
My point in this whole letter that you most likely will never read is this…
You are never going to find what you want because each time you come close, you screw it all up. You chase everyone who loves you away with your infidelity and your lies that I truly think that you actually believe once you tell them enough. There’s a reason your son’s mother won’t let you have contact with him anymore, and I finally see why and agree with her. You are not a positive role model for any child. Anything he may learn from you would teach him to be less than a self-sufficient man.
I’m going to be just fine after this entire debacle. I’m going to find a man who knows how to treat me with respect, compassion and trust. I’m going to have that family I have always dreamed of. My life has flourished in every aspect since we broke up; can you claim the same?
My anger with you will eventually subside, but you are out of your mind thinking that I will ever be able to forgive you. I’m praying with everything in me that you find some excuse not to come back this year. But if you do, you’d better not be shocked to see me with another man. You’d better not be shocked to see that I’ve done things to make myself happy instead of worrying about you or anyone else. You’d better not be surprised to see that I’ve already been promoted and given a raise at my job now that I’m not planning my escape to the South. And most importantly, you’d better not be shocked to find out that I’ve moved on and you’re feeling regret for losing someone you will never, ever be able to make love you again.
Sincerely,
Your Stronger-than-you-though Ex Girlfriend
P.S. “We cross our bridges when we come to them and burn them behind us, with nothing to show for our progress except a memory of the smell of smoke, and a presumption that once our eyes watered.” Tom Stoppard
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