Just one big sigh of disappointment…
I’m so sick of failing in this pathetic life. Everything I touch turns to shit. I’ve just lost my friend, my job, and my girl in the same week. I spent 7 mos. in jail last year and I’m still on probation unable to find a job. If I don’t pay my fines in 35 days I’m going back for another year. My step dad died last year. I haven’t been able to see my 3 year old daughter in two weeks. Her mother just had another baby yesterday with a guy I’ve met twice who is now under the same roof as my daughter. I don’t know he treats my daughter. Oh God that girl has ripped a hole in my existence and the little joy that was there is gushing out. She said she cared and wanted to start something special the night before I found out. I was willing to move and help her raise her 3 girls…3 girls…Oh God how naive…I feel so fucking blind…She told me that same night to move up there and that she missed me…Why would she say those things and still be looking for someone else online this whole time. I’ve known her for 18 years, her best friend is married to my best friend. Why would she do this to me? Her own low self-esteem? Is it because her ex-husband treated her like a tramp, cheated on her with a girl in their own bed. So I consoled her about that and assured her I would never treat her like that. I’ve never felt so low and empty. It actually phsically hurts, I’ve been sick to my stomache for 2 weeks. Life only seems to be a big cosmic joke. It’s as if I’m only wandering around aimlessly waiting to deal with the next big disaster. There’s certainly been highs but they pale in comparison to my dark days,…so many dark days. I push away the very few people that do care for me b/c they don’t understand and it only annoys me more. I ask for all this to just end, it seems I always lose, I’ve lost all hope, I’ll never win. Depression.
My daughter may not even be mine. **sigh**
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