Where shall I begin.

I see things that aren’t there. I hear things when no one else does. I always feel as if there is someone watching my every move. I’m absolutely terrified of being alone in the dark. That’s why I require being on the phone with someone each night as I fall asleep.
Tonight I had no one, so I turned to this.

I was with a boy named Caleb. We broke up in January. Normally I’d be over such a thing. I mean, I have had a long time. He lived in Indiana. I didn’t. We weren’t together that long, but boy oh boy did he mean everything and more to me. I’ve never been so in love.
We never met. So people don’t understand my feelings for him. That kinda pisses me off, but whatever.

Well, he broke up with me on January 30th. It’s awful that I remember the date. Then a few days later he had another girlfriend.
His new girlfriend was my best friend’s other best friend.
She also lived in Indiana. So people don’t understand how we were best friends. But we were.

Well, a couple weeks went by. I was still miserable as ever. I had spread 80 cuts across my entire body. And was planning on a suicide attempt. Using all the medication in the house.
My mom, that genius, knew something was up. I was completely honest, mostly because I just needed someone to hold me.
She took me to the hospital. It seems like I was there forever.
Actually it was 5 days.
I wish I was still there, honestly. At least I knew i’d be safe. I mean seriously, those people have safety craft scissors. They are on it.
Anyways, I haven’t cut much since I got out. Maybe 3 times.
Tonight I cut myself.

I knew I might go swimming so I wanted to make them untraceable.
I cut on my knee, my ankle, and where I could see a tan line on my hip. And now I feel stupid.

I feel stupid because I looked up quotes of heartbroken people. As if that would make me happy. Then I started crying. I feel stupid for crying. I feel stupid for caring about him so much. I feel stupid for letting myself have a long distance relationship.

I feel really stupid for thinking that I might have him back one day. As if he’ll leave his hometown perfect little girlfriend for me.
Honestly, no. Just no.
Although she’s awful. I mean, one look at her makes me sick.
Mostly because she took the greatest thing that ever happened to me.

My “best friend” told me once that that bitch^ cried every time my name was mentioned because she felt so bad.
“FUCKING GOOD.” is how I wanted to respond. Actually I wanted to be like, “Yeah? Give me her number. I wonder if she’ll cry when I tell her what she’s really done to me. How deep she’s killed me inside.”
Oh well.

I feel like my insides are rotten and old… Yanno? Like if you cut me open you’d see exactly what morticians see when they cut open a dead body. I feel like that inside.

I feel like I couldn’t get much more depressed. And I constantly feel like I’m about to go off the deep end.
I remember when he left, I went for a walk with a former best friend of mine. I kept laughing hysterically and crying.
All I wanted to do was jump out in front of a car. And I would have. I know I would have.
I’d say I was lucky that she was there, but I wish she wouldn’t have been.

I need to stop talking about him.

I can’t stop thinking about him though.

But, I’ll try and move on to the next big thing on my mind, which is my alcoholic father.
I’m beginning to hate him honestly.
He can’t stop drinking, and I get it, it’s a disease. I wish he would at least stop around me, but it’s a disease.

He gets so drunk though. He’s almost belligerent. You can’t negotiate with him.
He repeats himself about forty times. Like my great grandmother. The difference is; she’s twice his age.

And when my friends are over, you really might consider the thought that he’d cut down. I mean, if he had to drive one of them somewhere on short notice, he shouldn’t be totally hammered, right? No. The thought has never crossed his mind I’m sure.
Once he punched me in front of two of my close friends. They thought it was playing around. But he knocked the breath out of me. And I laid on the ground and cried.
He’s also pushed me down.
But that’s about it, for the physical.
He calls me a bitch. He says I’m not good for anything. He calls me worthless.

He also uses women. Maybe “uses” isn’t the right word, but he dates so many girls, it’s insane to me. Nothing ever works out though. And I ask why. Each girl is different. “Her ass was too big; she came over with her hair wet; she had so many surgery scars.” I roll my eyes. He says, “I know I’m superficial.”

I have a therapist, since I went to a mental hospital I think it’s almost common sense to think I have a therapist.
She thinks I’m hyper focused on my appearance and boy’s perception of me. And she blames my father for being so superficial.

I had a brother. He isn’t my brother anymore. I’ve silently disowned him. I tell any new people I meet that I’m an only child.
My uncle died in ’09 suddenly. Out of the blue. Ripped my mom’s side of the family into pieces.
My brother had been in a skateboarding accident because his stupid ass decided to grab my uncles car without him knowing.
And he fell off.
And he sued my dead uncle.
NOT MY FAMILY ANYMORE.
Do you blame me?
Like WTF. You don’t sue a family member. You don’t sue a dead person. You don’t sue a dead family member. Especially not my uncle.
My uncle was a perfect ray of sunshine.
Legit.

I loved him so much.

He had only been married four months when he died.
But I can’t get over my “brother” suing him. And it’s all because his cold & heartless mother convinced him to.
I don’t honestly hate people when I say I do, besides her. I would kill that bitch with my bare hands if I got the chance.

After almost a year of my uncle being dead though, my aunt got pregnant.
My first thought was, “OMG,YAY!” but then I was like, “…What?”
Ugh.

Shit like that kills me.

Here; out of family, into my best friends.
I have 3. One is shoved up her boyfriend’s ass 24 hours a day. So whatever on her.

The other two are the greatest friends a person could ask for.
I love them so much. But I hate that they pick each other before me.
Yup, childish. Whatever.
But it hurts me;
Because I’m constantly feeling rejection and I can barely handle it.

Ugh. I need to wrap this up..

Anyways, the moral of my mind story is,
I’m miserable. I want to die, so badly. You’d never know, just having a little chat with me. I’m good at pretending.
Once I had a person try to kill their self over me, that was the worst thing ever. I wouldn’t want to do that to someone.. But I know how it feels to feel as if it doesn’t matter.

Anyways;
If you read this entire thing, you’re a saint.
This site is amazing. Legit.
I feel a tiny bit better. Although my heart is racing.

Goodnight.

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