I have this best friend, and we tell each other everything. Well, she tells me everything, and I tell her almost everything. I have this one really big secret that I’ve been trying to tell her for a very long time, but I can never seem to just do it. Sometimes I’ll be sitting there thinking, “This is the perfect time, just spit it out already,” but the words won’t come.

You see, I’m gay. I like girls. I’m not really ashamed of it (at least, not anymore), so why can’t I tell her? I know she wouldn’t mind. It might be weird for a little while, but we’ve been friends since kindergarten, and I highly doubt it would complicate things very much.

Part of me worries that I’m wrong. I’ve had a few fleeting interests in guys over the course of my discovery, but the feelings I’ve developed for other girls are like nothing I’ve ever felt. Still, it terrifies me that I’ll make this huge announcement and then fall for some guy.

I don’t have a problem with gays (clearly) and that goes for bisexuals as well, but there’s this little hypocritical part of me from my childhood that still believes that if you have even a small part of you that wants to be straight, you should go with that. I hate to blame it on where I was raised or whatever, but my small almost entirely Christian, white, and straight town in Texas does play a minor role in it.

I always thought it was so unfair for people to judge homosexuals when it didn’t seem like they had much of a choice in the matter. I mean, how completely uncool is it to punish people for something they have no control over? I heard of all of these stories of people that drove themselves to the grave trying to be straight, and I figured it would be a lot better if those people were just gay.

Over the years, I’ve further explored the issue and realized that it shouldn’t matter any which direction. You should be with who you want to be with, end of story. Girl, boy, black, white, anything in between. People should be with whoever makes them most happy, regardless of all the rest.

So, I think everyone else should choose whoever the hell they want to be their partner for the rest of their life. I don’t care if it’s the only girl you’ve ever been into, if you could live perfectly happily with someone of the opposite sex, you should go for the most happy. But, with myself, I hold a slightly different perspective.

Enter hypocritical jackass portion of my mind.

I just feel like that if I’m going to date girls, it should be because I have absolutely no interest in guys. I can’t imagine looking my very traditional grandparents in the eye and say that I turned down a guy I could’ve been attracted to. I can’t imagine going through the struggle to be gay where I am when I could have been happy with a guy.

It’s stupid. It’s closed-minded. But I just can’t break free of it. I keep wondering if I’m going to just wake up straight one morning. What if this really is just a phase? I’m still pretty young (only a senior in high school). I’ve got a whole life to figure out what I really want. What if this is just my teenage hormones making my mind go funky?

God, this vent has gotten really long and way different than I thought it was going to be. I’m just still a little insecure in my sexuality. I don’t have very much experience to go on, but how the hell do you get experience until you know what you want? I feel like I’m caught in some Catch-22. I don’t want to experiment; I want to know. I want to form a lasting, loving relationship with a member of whatever sex it is I like, but I don’t know how to get to that point.

I feel confused, and I’m sick of it. I was confused for over a year. I bounced back and forth in my sexuality for months before I even started to face the realities in front of me. I’m finally figuring out who I am, and now I have know idea where to go.

And, to top it all off, my teenage hormones are driving me crazy. Why do teenagers wanna get it on so badly? I mean, I don’t really want to “get it on,” but you know what I mean. There cannot be any good in teenage hormones. Seriously, no good.

Basically, I’m scared. I’m scared of quite a lot of things, actually, but that’s a whole other topic to breach. Anxiety isn’t my finest feature.

O.K, way too long now. Done pouring my heart out. Just kind of needed to say (or, well, type) it all out.

I apologize if you read through all of this ranting for pretty much no conclusion. How about a joke?

Alcohol and calculus don’t mix. Never drink and derive.

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