No Escape
I feel like everything is judging me. Not just people, but the world, the environment and earth itself. I’m bombarded every moment with religion and the same messages telling me over and over again that I have to believe, I have to decide here and now that this or that is true. Uncertainty is unacceptable; doubt is an offense punishable by death. And so I pray, so often, so fucking hard for the answers. For some guidance. Every day I feel more alone, more desperate for an escape.
At the same time, I feel so accountable to people. I can’t disappoint the people at church by admitting I don’t believe. I can’t disappoint my grandmother by admitting my diminishing faith or leaving home to get away from the pressure. I can’t do anything without of judgment or disapproval. How do I escape it? How do I do what is right for me?
For that matter, how do I find out what is right for me? Religion is hurting me, tearing me apart. But I’ve been told my entire life that you have to believe in something concrete. You have to believe in Jesus and obey the commandments and have faith. Or you’re damned. Fuck, I don’t want to be damned. But that’s how I feel. Every time I pray and don’t receive an answer I ask “Why me? What I have done that I am denied the faith that others find so easily? Why am I damned?”
It’s not like I have any one to go to for advice. Everyone else has their own truth, so their advice would be biased. But that’s the point, everyone else figured something out. They have an answer. I’ve gone to God and sought an answer, but I don’t even receive the blessing of a “no, sorry, it’s all a lie.” I have to be left questioning, caught between promises of faith and my own selfish desires for something easy.
I just want to stop thinking about it, but how can I? I go to a Christian school. Church is attended on Sundays and Wednesday nights. The screaming is everywhere. How can I escape?
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Sometimes the answers are already there. You dont need to hear a voice to know that you are being answered. In time youll probably figure all that you need to know.
Youre not damned. Nobody is. Even those who live the darkest lives arent damned.
So you say you feel like everyone and even the earth itself is judging you? I see it this way, youre always gonna have challenges in life. It reminds you that you are alive, and that the best part is not now, but after death. Im not trying to judge you. You can believe in whatever you want, but I believe that when you dont live a life believing in something life really means nothing at all. Whats life if you dont believe in anything?
I have my days where Im so depressed I dont even wanna get up in the morning. You watch the news, you see what goes on in this world, but behind all this mess and chaos you see the simple things. The things that probably arent really as simple as we think. The things that have a deeper meaning then what we know. Things like the sky, the birds, the ocean, etc. I think that there’s definietly gotta be someone behind all this.
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look for the ** to find my reply. did it this way so my thoughts don’t go all over the damn place.
I feel like everything is judging me. Not just people, but the world, the environment and earth itself. I’m bombarded every moment with religion and the same messages telling me over and over again that I have to believe, I have to decide here and now that this or that is true. Uncertainty is unacceptable; doubt is an offense punishable by death. And so I pray, so often, so fucking hard for the answers. For some guidance. Every day I feel more alone, more desperate for an escape.**doubt is what keeps people looking for truth. doubt makes you question things. having faith and believing in something doesn’t mean that you will have all the answers to it, even if they are given to you in a book.
At the same time, I feel so accountable to people. I can’t disappoint the people at church by admitting I don’t believe. **isn’t that what the pastor or priest or whoever is there for? to talk to you and help you to have a stronger connection with your faith?** I can’t disappoint my grandmother by admitting my diminishing faith or leaving home to get away from the pressure. I can’t do anything without of judgment or disapproval. How do I escape it? How do I do what is right for me?
For that matter, how do I find out what is right for me? Religion is hurting me, tearing me apart. But I’ve been told my entire life that you have to believe in something concrete.**well that is sorta redundant. to believe in something concrete, such as a god that you have never seen, a story about a man that split the red sea, a man that died and 2 days later came back to life…?** You have to believe in Jesus and obey the commandments and have faith. Or you’re damned. Fuck, I don’t want to be damned.**if you’re catholic, it doesn’t matter how much you sin as long as you are sorry for it and ask for forgiveness, it’s granted.** But that’s how I feel. Every time I pray and don’t receive an answer I ask “Why me? What I have done that I am denied the faith that others find so easily? Why am I damned?”
It’s not like I have any one to go to for advice. Everyone else has their own truth, so their advice would be biased. But that’s the point, everyone else figured something out.**not necessarily. i’ve said in the past that i don’t really believe in god. but i also don’t disbelieve in god either. i just can’t believe in something that i have no real proof of. if there is a god and judgment day comes and all the believers ascend to heaven, THEN i’ll believe but it will be too late for me.** They have an answer. I’ve gone to God and sought an answer, but I don’t even receive the blessing of a “no, sorry, it’s all a lie.” I have to be left questioning, caught between promises of faith and my own selfish desires for something easy.**believing should be easy. you either believe there is a god, you don’t believe there is a god, or you’re unsure like me. when you were little, did you believe in santa claus? did you just believe or did you need to be convinced? i’m not comparing god to santa, it’s just an example of having belief in something you have never seen.**
I just want to stop thinking about it, but how can I? I go to a Christian school. Church is attended on Sundays and Wednesday nights. The screaming is everywhere. How can I escape? **the only escape i can see is to stop going to a christian school and church. to do that will disappoint your family immensely though.**
good luck. weather they be divine, written, or verbal, i hope you receive the answers you are seeking.
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