siblings, and on and on
i truly love you, my sister..but i still lack that communication gene with anyone related to me. shit. yeah, my ego wants to be accepted and just liked, too. (like mom seems to amazingly muster now that grandkids are around). but i honestly care and want to give you my support. share. something mom’s family isn’t great at (unless bragging with false modesty or talking about anything matter-of-fact. direct compliments not allowed; only behind the recipient’s back when passive-aggressively putting down the person you are chatting with. and heaven forbid it involves vulnerable emotion or feeling genuinely. there’s avoidance and denial for all that: trigger food or wine now). i know i have to accept and make peace with my loneliness in this family. a scapegoat– i the unlikable. the talked about. do they really think i don’t know how much they tolerate me? worse than being hated and completely dropped to move on with some freedom. the trickling effect of mild repulsion eats at me and somewhere inside i rage– or am i simply crushed? give me the strength to do what is best– for you. for me. engage? retreat? remain open? create better boundaries? may i work from the heart and not the selfish, self-centered ego. may i find some grace even when i feel alone in this confusing, suffocating family emptiness. this reads like crap. i even care about strangers judgment. the mighty mouse of self-esteem! ha!
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